my baes; my bikes

Soren

Blue 1980s Schwinn Stingray [?] (Parentage unknown)

-My first love, taught me how to ride

-Purchased from a cute used store in Helena, Montana

-Sees nothing wrong with Canadian tuxedos

-Love reading the dictionary and knows more words than he can pronounce

-Always attempts parkour when drunk

-Offered to the next cohort of Conservation Corpsmembers when I moved back home

-Favorite philosopher is Ludwig Wittgenstein


Hypatia

Purple 1990s Mt. Fury Roadmaster

-Purchased off Craigslist and delivered to the safe meeting place of my then-workplace

-Was listed as my girlfriend on Facebook for a while

-Has to roll up in a blanket burrito at night or she sleepwalks

-Has difficulty controlling her vocal volume when excited

-Uses her working class background to win arguments about socialism

-Wheels stolen by bike vandals and abandoned, sorry & R.I.P. baby

-Favorite philosopher is Charles Peirce


Diotima

Yellow 1970s Schwinn Varsity

-My current boo, gets lots of compliments

-Purchased for $15 at a used bike sale in a bike shop/coffee shop on May 6, 2017

-Bi but #foreveralone; everyone assumes someone else loves her

-Inadvertently mouths the lyrics whenever she hears a song she knows

-Loves things sincerely and ironically at the same time

-Two years, baby!

-Favorite philosopher is Eric Fromm

I'd like to speak to your manager

I think BIPOC should complain to management more.

"I want to speak to your manager" is associated with entitled middle-aged white women, but I've been daring myself to complain when mistreated for a while now, and I recommend other who are unused to entitlement to do the same.


I trained myself to speak up more because

1) sometimes I can't just swallow the cost of someone else’s mistake, and

2) sometimes I can tell that people are treating me badly because they expect to be powerless and take it.

There's an art to complaining, I think. I'm normally a 20% tipper, so no tip from me means something personally even if the server will think I’m just another stingy POC. I know I'll be dismissed if I come across as an "Angry Black Woman," so I try to stay calm and factual and modest in my expectations. I tend to apologize if I do show anger, if I inconvenience anyone, or if I got something wrong. Heck, I even use the Sandwich Method for my strongly worded emails. Begin with please and positives, and end with thank you and gratitude.


In general, I try to be understanding and patient with the folks who serve me because I've been there. I try to aim my anger away from those who didn’t cause it, because one shouldn’t blame employees when the company is at fault. Even if the employee is at fault, maybe it’s due to the company underpaying them and overworking them. Maybe, probably, certainly, it’s a waste of time to want “revenge” on a specific employee. Sometimes, all you can ask for is an acknowledge of harm and a refund on a ruined experience.

Sometimes, I can hear in their voices as customer service reps calm down as they speak with me. I have had an issue that I would like corrected, but I’m not angry. Is a refund possible? Often, I rate BIPOC in service industry highly for doing their best even if they've let me down. I want it to be clear that anger is unusual for me, and that it means something.

When I feel like I’ve only been angry at a necessary institution, sometimes I go out of my way to note the things it did correctly, people who’ve been helpful. Instead of focusing on the one mean landlord, I’m cheerful to the rest of that staff—almost bought them donuts for V-Day, but got too busy. I’m trying to use more of those “Awesome service!” cards at the hospital. One time, I emailed Lyft to correct my rating from four stars to five because my finger had slipped, the driver was a person of color, and we’d actually had a pleasant conversation.

I hope one of these actions have made someone’s day.

A anecdote: I once saved $200 dollars on a flight I had to have changed—and this wasn't even their error! It was my error, and I told them so, and thanked them for their grace and flexibility. I think they assumed I was someone important because I said something. I think about this interaction when I think about the difference between privileges, rights, and disadvantages. I think my pseudo-posh accent gives me an edge via phone. I’m Sorry to Bother You, but I’d like…

Another anecdote: I wanted to give a business a 1-star reviews on Google maps, so I became a "Local Guide" who rates lots of businesses to demonstrate how rare my dissatisfaction was. I give out 5-stars like they’re going out of style, so you can see how rare my complaints really are. Google has given me free socks and deals on movie tickets for my reviews, and I have to laugh because I only started reviewing after this white-passing Amtrak employee tried to punish me for being late by making everyone else late.

That microaggression has been safety exorcised! ✨ My anger has been sublimated into stars and data. Justice has restored me to my default state, of quiet chipperness with rights intact. 🌟

At position 0, I walk through this world yet smiling. At position +1, I walk above the earth in gratitude and acknowledgement. But at position -1, I hope to singe the ground with my footsteps. No black girl who comes after me should have to suffer this treatment in the future.

Because that’s what happens when the ones who aren’t expected to speak up, do speak up; it becomes expected. At some point in the future, nobody will expect me—expect us—to be powerless and take it.

the violence of white women

i recognize the black woman onstage

she speaks of “the violence of white women”

in the workplace &

i didn’t study this in school maybe I don’t understand

i sleep on four chairs at night

let my futon burst open in the trash: a writhing city of blackbugs

let them have it all i cannot live there

i sleep in the homeless shelter in Providence

the school bus (white) says “we can pick you up last

to save face” but i don’t go to school

i weigh 115 pounds at 25 and people say it’s a good thing (privilege)

i talk with my best friend₁ (white) who worries offers me a paid gig

my best friend₂ (white) who urges me to apply advises me

my friend₃ (white) who recommends me at whose workplace I apply

i tell myself will not make them apologize i talk to them about “>” and “<” (privilege)

sometimes they cover my lunch

i interview with the black woman onstage

when she says “black woman” her voice is a honing call

that rings every body but mine:

(∀) “black woman” ≠ “you”

she says nothing to me not even wrong

i pull a blanket over over me in my four-chair bed

i dream forwards and backwards

i was spanked by my mother

my neck looks like i have hung myself i lie back and think of dying

on underpaid nights

my friend₂ (white) hires me and so

i am alive! i am still alive

i thank her make her, coworker, apologize

tell her all about “the violence of white women”

a girl is born guilty of having a body

there are many ways to atone:

  1. to give it to someone else, absolve responsibility
    1. first a father, then a lover
      1. (for what is a wedding but a passing of weight?)
  2. to cover it hide & play innocent
    1. (now only the mirror knows what you have)
      1. (mightn't a secret held right serve as a weapon?
      2. )
  3. to plead guilty
    1. (but better hung for a sheep as for a lamb)
      1. (so let us sin more deeply)
      2. here I am!
  4. to repent
    1. through any of many beliefs
      1. for a lifetime
        1. "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female..." Galatians 3:28, KJV.
        2. "It is impossible that a woman should be the perfect rightfully Enlightened One. It is possible that a man should be the perfect rightfully Enlightened One." Bahudhātuka-sutta
  5. to pass away expire retire
    1. (nothing is still something other than a girl)

 

a true allegory

I met the Devil the other day, in a dream. I was lost, looking for my siblings, and found him in an alley, among the boxes. He had fallen there or slept there--I can't remember. He was charming in that way of boys who are up to no good, surprisingly self-deprecating. He was red-faced, red-bodied, black-horned, and was he wearing a suit?

I asked to touch his horns, and he bowed to let me. I considered this a gesture to show him no, I'm not afraid of you. He seem to think it an everyday show of condescension, like he was used to it, like of course girls want to touch his horns, like it would win me over.

I asked him about heaven and hell, of course.

Heaven, he said, was like a never-ending game of make-believe. Everyone had power and everything was possible, but even that would get boring after an eternity. No?

My thought was that the creative would never grow bored. I'd love it.

Hell, I think was more of the same. He pitched it as more fun, if you attached to this world's "fun." He said the kinds of things you would expect a devil to say, like that's not me, that's all you guys and ultimately, God is the one in control. My powers are like a subset of Theirs.

He didn't sway me. I think I told him I was muslim, like I say to scare off missionary. And anyway, I had to get going. I was searching for my family. Wait, he said, me too. We're the same.

I was already moving to explore the California of my dream, but I asked why he was here on Earth and what he hoped to find. Ideas, he said, and smiled weakly like a Hollywood confidence man but I had no sympathy, none at all.

synonym for pixie cut

when a boy plays peter pan then

some year after year his voice would break

his body strain muscles mass wrestle free

his beard a tell breaking loose of the young or the green

and he would no longer fly.

 

but if i woman

took on the suit then

still wild at thirty at forty

laugh dew light dancing

unshadowed & weightless scent

forestborne greenhorne each dimple

each jab forgiven & winsome

hair a peter cut because it on

a woman makes the eternal boy

music is black

pitch black, such that

any other color is to drain it wan & thin

til it no longer goes so oceandeep

soaking every nation as it does now

one drop dyed the world.

 

America was born blue in the face

from a bruise with a welt, a wail

new forms of sorrow we six-fingered devils

spun pain into gold into gospel aimed up at a God

remixed to love us back

a God with a little bit of vodun

made the whole church jump with hollers

chants ecstatic & nine-high

 

music is black because we said once, hey l

et me show you what a fiddle can do l

et me show you, Joplin said, how to twist ivories

into a new grey matter

let me show you, Coltrane said swirled some classical

into this new thing young thing wonderchild jazz

made America's orchestra Duke Dizzy Basie Cab's

bop moanin swung & modal black tie brass

& double bass modern that blinded warcannons

 

 

instead of pedigree, our kings & queens

rose merited through soul jazz & swing

the hardest-working we’ve always been

temptations impressions miraculous supreme

Brown-ness & Wonder

conscious & soul music

for marches Malcolm Martin & Mayfield

 

music is black just look

at a speaker grille don’t listen to Elvis

or Boone's lies disguises & covers for housewives

sanitizing to hide its right fever

as they clutch Grammies close like pearls

whether 'round a midnight fire

or the 1s & 2s revolving

even now the roots of K-pop & J-pop

are Chuck's duckwalk Mike’s moonwalk

an nameless cakewalk a vine teen's poplock

 

in Ibiza they thrum to the 4-4s & boom

birthed in Chi-Town & Mo-town warehouses

machine sounds rhythms smuggled on hambone on ships

funk that rode in our hips

techno the grandson heartbeat of disco

needle skip the next rebellion is Brazilian

b-boys call parana e parana e, parana

Zion-bound war-ready they break free

bush meeting is block party

 

music is black

though they dogwhistle urban sneer inner city

Sister Rosetta & Jimi

means it's been ours take all into your ears

rock & roll was rhythm & blues was race music

which said on the very face of it

this is your little corner

our back of the record shop

 

but we sampled & shared laughs

ate well grew big grew loud until

nothing could hold our voices

until nothing could hold us

grew beautiful & still sing

both, neither, and both

a woman is a wanting

a girl is a gasp a

boy is a sigh

the gift of daggers to the sky

i make a man shoot star water

dappling black sheets

gravity is how women beckon

the wet of atmosphere

the expansion of space

inhale or exhale which came first?

you-- i-- fold and unfold

truth bodied & tactile language,

in and out until everything is new

a woman is a secret

a boy is a fact

or statement a girl can rewind time

men interrupt space with limbs

while women like me are so

nothing as to be all

i hold the deepest hunger

no monolith or obelisk can please

i demand tribute i take all light,

men like you liquid things to fill me

where is my boy that gives and takes

i am a girl that births sustains destroys

i am that i am both neither and both

a man has me erupt

(fire is blood to a meteor and)

i have him accept, embrace

we fold together make breath

we original singular mass defeat heat death

heaven's reward fallacy

God doesn't like that celebrity you dislike

God is just

God's likes are equal to ten thousand likes or a hundred thousand whatever it takes to make you happy

God ignores your ex for you

God likes everything your best friend has ever posted online

God gives and takes away

God let your parents spank you and let your mother miscarry after you

God helped you find those family photos in the attic that one time and the memories just came flooding back

God likes how skillfully you describe the innocence of your childhood of social media

God wants you to get that raise

God sees how well you tip

God watches you eat local

God loves how you love animals

God knows the wallet was empty when you found it

God knows you didn't mean to hit her that hard

God believed you first

God let your abuser get off scot-free because it’s good for you

God will have him crash while drunk driving and he will post a selfie from the emergency room but he won't die yet (it will be liver failure)

God knows when you will die of breast cancer, that you will die of breast cancer you are unknowingly attracted to pink ribbon merchandise

God loves you back

God is busy watching sports

God has a favorite team and it’s the same as yours which is the same as your dad's

God wants you to get that energy drink caught in the vending machine it's meant to be yours

God lines up the green lights just perfect for you to catch the bus on that one day for that crucial interview Thank God! you say once for yourself and once to the interviewer

God loves praise

God is like you in that way

God gave you DD boobs but didn’t make you blonde you made yourself blonde and you took selfies at the salon you took selfies at the gym

God loves every face you made

God made Candace blonde

God gave Candace parents that gave her a BMW in high school and a Porsche in college there she goes tagging herself in her family's cabin #ilovemylife

God hates Candace as much you do there is no Fuck You button on Instagram but your fingers are like God's as you ignore her but one day yes one day someday eventually... and you can’t wait until the afterlife

poems about insecure attachment

there was a hole in me where

Home should be, a childhood

deep & a mother wide

my filling is praise receipts

& prayers  names crumpled days

by the handful a

megaphoned song for anyone

digital lights singing i'm still hungry

 

the hole in me a lover tall

(i told myself) and burrowed

huddle small but

she was an ontologist who spoke rainfall

named as adam did the animals

unmade monsters into nothing

my absence into absence

once, each blink destroyed the land

--to a child, everything dies at night but me

but then she gives object permanence

brown & fertile

in two cupped hands

to plant.

Platonic

there is more love

in the bus driver's thumb

when he covers the slot

it's okay, go ahead

as my card chirps from hunger

as I stall and my purse coughs

 

than the thousand soft sighs,

rising wonders and longings

forming cloudlands for dreamed selves

of downcast-eyed boys

love poems for myself

you are the cutest little boy asleep

like a heathen legs wide & sheet-tangled

a bed of rainbows & donuts & all your best friends

(are silent) no Deco artist designed you

gangly neotenous elbowed& kneed thing

til death adolescent the plaid skirt itself

breaks curfew ah! it rises and swirls

like the first ever turns red-black stripe red-black

baby-halty eyes widen

the discovery of girlhood that wet

of a body still being learned--another naked dance

for a body still being learned--the first personal language

the last cartwheel is far too distance

the sand that drips from your underfoot

is sandiegan the hands' undertan knows

the blue-brown mix of beach

(& this can be a song in Robinese)

for applemound breasts & pearbottom

peachvellum tree brown yes & blue & future blue

the afro sprouts has become a halo

of strangers' caught compliments our thought cloud

in the glow of somewhere else you carry

& will one day return to a star or sun isn't that right?

hot black girl mess/ black girl hot mess / hot girl black mess

Sometimes, I want to tell a really unflattering hot mess bachelorette story about myself, like the time I was cooking half-naked on my second floor apartment and I heard someone call my name--but then i remember that the concept of “hot mess” belongs to young white women who are deemed attractive enough that their self-deprecating “mess” is forgivable because their lives have an underlying expectation of goodness and success regardless of their peccadillos whereas my mess as a black girl is not seen as charming but an endemic representation of the failings of my race whose negative stereotypes i must fight with declarations of royalty, fierceness, and beauty if not an 24/7 facade of respectability due to the societal expectation of me being low enough that the mess is assumed while the success is not, the success must be seized, the competency must be asserted, the intelligence must be proven, the confidence must be tested, and with all the time i must devote to these small tasks, i will scarcely be allowed the luxury of a benign mess. But still, I was cooking half-naked in my second floor apartment and I heard someone call my name. Of course I freaked out, thinking that 1) someone could see into my second floor apartment, 2) they recognized me, and 3) they now knew that I habitually went about my day in a state of undress. What else had they seen? Who else had seen me?

But as they continued to call my name, it occurred to me that they might have been calling for a different Maya. And yep, I eventually met a little girl with her hair in barretted braids who lives in the same complex I do. Meanwhile, I bought a frilly black apron to fend off the oil spills and still wear whatever I want at home.

first world

what it first meant was:

the strongest buildings still announce bomb shelter

sturdy tan boxes where

before i was born

my parents cousins possible friends

learned to hear sirens and crouch under desks

 

what it really meant was a blue for freedom

like the seas between us

an arbitrary line drawn in bullet or tank track

red over there, for blood we still desire

 

what it means now is that a children's tv show

told me to save water.

i choose not to i like the fizz of its pressure,

white with excitement after brushing my teeth

& after the first spit, i cup my hand,

lower my mouth

lips to the water,

ah! how tasty how endless beautiful clean & free