こんにちはgwan, o Blog my Blog!
I come bearing life updates—yes, on the writing front as well!
The first third of this blog comes to you from my local gayborhood of Hillcrest, where the drinks and nostalgic music have got me in a jolly & gay mood. I’m grateful that as an out adult who has worked to address her internalized religious shame, I’ve reached the point that I can admire my favorite pop divas with no shame over my sapphic attraction.
Shakira is hot! Beyonce is hot! The world is abundant! Genats/Կենաց!
Work:
I am working at a job that I like, although I’m still settling in. The hurt part of me remains worried that I could be penalized for wearing my headphones too much and not chatting enough, or not using enough emojis to seem friendly. #justneurodivergentthings #justblackthings #justgirlythings #justintersectionalthings
I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I already like my coworkers and I am all in for the mission of this organization. The work reminds me of my childhood, and I can’t help imagining our clients as similar to my parents. Plus, I get to serve the populations I write for, inasmuch as the work is with alt-ed kids.
Around when I was feeling most abandoned, I received a letter from the job search support agency I’m working with:
This was exactly what I needed!
In spaces that discuss CPTSD (Reddit, for example), I often see people sharing the desire to be saved or rescued. I’m not immune to my symptoms, so yes, I feel this way a lot. Sometimes I want someone to reach out and prove I don’t need to (continue to) go it alone. When I’m lucky, people do reach out, and it disproves my cynicism and fuels me to keep going. 💪🏾
(The truth is that I prefer interdependence over independence. I just don’t have enough evidence that the former exists.)
It feels weird to admit this weakness of mine, but I do think it’s logical. When you are struggling with something, all the logic is pointing towards you doing something wrong. Justified encouragement, especially from knowledgeable people, can be evidence that you’re on the right track.
Data:
Data projects are still on hold, but I will be more open about the data analytics program I’m participating in. It builds on my preexisting experience with the Google Data Analytics Certificate and my experience as a UCSD student. The more I learn about neuroqueer time, the more at peace I become about taking a bit longer than expected on reaching my goal of a data professional position.
I’m always making progress and I’m confident I’ll get there in time. One of my goals—to earn an income comparable to my partner's—is rooted in my core value of retaining my freedom. As much as I love my mom, I refuse to be a SAHM or otherwise partner-dependent. (The second third of this blog comes to you from my lovely partner’s desk.)
My current plan is to build skills and work my way up at my current workplace. It’s a valid path, and one that’s worked before.
Writing:
I have a new story out in issue 9 of Outlook Springs! It’s called Agent, Angel, Alien and it’s about a magical girl from outer space who collects qualia for God but stumbles on her way through Erik Erikson's stages of psychosocial development.
The story predates Earthlings by Sayaka Murata, but I was still worried when that novel came out. Would people think it derivative?
I read Earthlings this year and there was nothing to worry about. Murata and I used similar concepts to say different things. Both are about the strangeness of female bodies to some extent, but mine was more about socioeconomic inequality and spiritual crisis.
But perhaps both stories are metaphorically about neurodivergence???
In other news: the third draft of the novel is complete!
The copyeditor has had a look at it, and I am working on acknowledgements and dedications now. I am planning to thank the middle-grade teacher who told me to read 100 Years of Solitude, among other folks.
I am still planning to kick into promotion mode only once I have a finalized cover, so not yet, not yet.
The other day, I had an idea for a short story for the first time in months, so that’s a sign that my life and mind are calming enough for me to be creative.
I actually have two in-progress novels, but whether I finish them is admittedly affected by external factors like my editor’s advice and whether I can find first readers. Both of these stories are guided by my decision to write something fun for me, less rigorous and serious.
Reading:
I recently finished The Women Could Fly by Megan Giddings, and I was surprised by how deeply it was in conversation with my upcoming novel, both thematically and tonally. I’ve been reading a lot of books about witches for this novel, and a lot of them have an old-world setting with old-world magic. Some have new-world flippancy with their contemporary setting, which is something that I wanted to avoid—I prefer sincerity over snark in my fantasy fiction. TWCF had a perfect blend of new-world magic, melancholy, and wonder.
Despite it being a dystopia, Giddings has similar thoughts on the inherent communal nature of magic, how it’s feminine but not girls-only, and how it can both represent and exist alongside other axes of oppression. There’s a tension between the safe but exclusive world of witches versus the unsafe real world, and characters grapple with wanting to pull their loved ones from one side to the other. It was a sad book in many ways, yes, but sad in a familiar way, given the current political moment.
It was one of those books I felt at home in. I didn’t want to say goodbye to the characters just yet, despite all they were up against.
After that, I finished A Prayer for the Crown-Shy by Becky Chambers. I absolutely LOVE Chambers as someone who watches a lot of anime and loves a good philosophical slice-of-life story and character interactions filled with fun and banter. It feels a lot like Kino’s Journey, one of my favorite anime/light novel series that inspired an unpublished novel of mine.
Kino has more action and bleakness than the Monk & Robot series, I will say. M&R is optimistic solarpunk at its core, whereas the steampunk world of K’sJ has the mantra of This world isn’t beautiful and therefore it is. The contradiction is like my own life philosophy of pessimism of the intellect, optimism of the will. You need to fight to find goodness and beauty when the world won’t offer you any.
A Prayer for the Crown-Shy turned out to be in conversation with the next book I read, given its community-oriented, moneyless gift economy. I most recently finished The Serviceberry by Robin Wall Kimmerer, and I like how well-argued its optimism was. As soon as I’d have a critical thought like “oh, gift economies only work in rural spaces, that has nothing to do with me,” she would build out the argument that brings in buy-nothing circles, mutual aid groups, and other donation-based systems that I have taken part in.
I won’t lie; I’ve become skeptical of the word “abundance” in that it reminds me of upper-middle-class liberals who argue that there’s enough for everyone but do nothing to redistribute because they don’t consider themselves wealthy, only comfortable. But Kimmerer has persuaded me about the abundance inherent in nature while operating under a more capitalist realist view than I carry.
For a while, I’ve been intrigued by the idea of multiple economies existing alongside each other. Like, have you read about any of the economic experiments with scrip?
I’ve also been obsessed with the concept of fruit for a while, given that it’s an aspect of a living organism that can be eaten without harming the organism. If we could genetically engineer cows to grow meatfruit, we could enjoy delicious meat without killing any cattle.
No? Well, there’s always Impossible and Beyond.
Currently, I’m reading A Mercy by Toni Morrison, because it’s also on that list of The 100 Best Books of the 21st Century. I’ve read enough Morrison that returning to her voice can feel comforting even when the subject matter is not. Two of her books were intense enough that I will never read them again.
Neurodivergence:
I have lot of strong thoughts and unnamable feelings but still no coherent diagnosis. Here are the places I am currently reading and watching to feel less alone, however:
Autistic AF gave a good breakdown on that recent study that there are 4 kinds of autism, and I like that he has a whole debunking series.
Auticate with Chris & Debby has a whole community I am considering joining. I like that they are run by an autistic/ally married couple.
Kojo Sarfo has another ally/autistic couple behind it, but Kojo, who runs the accounts, is the ally, and a Psychiatric-Mental Health Nurse Practitioner.
Mom on the Spectrum has a lot of helpful tips and possible accommodations that I’ve been integrating into my life.
Autism From The Inside is similarly useful! I love it when he dissects his own emotional process compared to a neurotypical one.
Professor Sol is yet another source of knowledge, tips, and community. He actively uses the term ‘neurospicy’ so maybe that’s a mark against him. jk!
I'm Autistic, Now What? is more lists, memes, and fun-focused.
Morgan Foley is someone I just want to be friends with, lol. I am not going to lie; I love girls with this type of energy. It’s very #justlikemefr
Kaelynn has taught me a lot about the different levels of support needs and other nuanced topics that a lot of high-masking autist content creators don’t tackle. She also sells merch with the phrase “don't hear what I didn't say” which I want to adopt as my own.
Self-Experimenting seems to live by the same mantra I do, of viewing one’s own life as an experiment to analyze.
I also sometimes check out GenericArtDad, Patrick Teahan, Aaron Kent, Neurospiritual, and random books like Sensory, which my partner lent me.
There are less spaces discussing CPTSD than autism, however, and they tend to talk about toxicity and narcissism too much for my liking.
I mean, yeah, my brain was reshaped towards hypervigilance and self-effacement in its formative years, but that’s because America traps the descendants of those it formerly enslaved into a vicious cycle of environmental racism, chronic stress, and socioeconomic disenfranchisement. My parents made some bad calls that hurt me, but I forgive them. I plan to visit them next month with a big ole Thanksgiving dinner, while I still can.
I’ll never forgive capitalism, though. That’s the real abuser to me.
But I digress. I dip in and out of all of the neurodivergent spaces whose solutions help me and whose experiences resonate with me. I don’t have a label bruh.~ I’m like water. I’m literally Nathan Fielder.
Oh, but here’s a hot take: Octavia Butler was on the spectrum. It explains her whole combination of obsession, solitude, imagination, quirkiness, blunt language, underemployment, and not-driving-a-car. Doesn’t it, though?
I've got to go
before the church bells ring
Take care, everyone!”
Signing off from the plush & pastel loft bed my partner and his sweet mom helped me build!